Work

I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.

My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.

I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.

I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.

Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.

I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.

I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.

I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.

Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!

My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.

My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.

My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.

I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.

Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!

Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!

I can't come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can't get out!

My wife is too sick to get out of bed, so I'm staying home to take care of her.

I won't be in today....I'm calling in dead.

Excuse me sir, but I won't be in today. My home is flooded and I'm currently standing on my dresser in my second story bedroom. Thanks and have a nice day.

Can't make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.

Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.

I can't come into work today because of eye trouble.... I can't see working today.

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I had missed a lot of work and my boss made me promise I would not be late, but I woke

I am calling in because I do not feel up to par today.

I am not coming in because I tried to dye my hair blonde, but it came out green!

I'm not going to work today, I spent my paycheck on lottery tickets, and I'm out of Gas 'till payday. (actually used by a security guard)

I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

I was already at work for this and wanted to leave...Tell the boss I called home a few minutes ago and gotta go, my girlfriend went out to sunbathe naked in the back yard and locked herself out of the house and needs the door opened.

Actually used and they will know me but it was 15 yrs ago.... my roommates horse overate and he has been walking it since midnight, I need to walk the horse so it doesn't lay down and die.

Yesterday I caught a bad cold while vacationing in Miami, Florida. Sorry!

A man I worked with once called in with... "My wife's breasts are sore after her breast enlargement so I need to stay home and massage her tits."

My husband had a vasectomy yesterday and his balls are enlarged, so I need to stay home and help him ice them.

I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job

I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

Can't come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can't get the car out cause the door won't open.

My coworker Wilma Martinez called in and said " The snowplow was stuck in front of her driveway ". It took three days before they could get back to tow it away. Chicago January blizzards. She brought in pictures the next week.

Sorry Boss I can't come into work today...my spirit guide says work is for losers!

Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by CPS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.

There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can't talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders. (This one could be good for a few days).

My dog is having puppies and I need to help her.

Someone smashed in my windows this morning with a large blunt object.

I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last nite.

I slipped in the shower and torque my knee. I can't walk on it at all.

I have extremely bad diarrhea. I mean REALLY bad. I am stuck in the house for a LONNNNNNNG time. A *long* time.

This one was actually used by one of my employees. "Sorry I did not show up yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom."

I won't be able to come to work next week . Were trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.

I will not be into work today because my parents dog died.

Someone dumped a truck-load of sand in front of my driveway and I won't be in today.

A friend I hadn't seen for years came round just as I was setting off for work, I couldn't leave could I?

I actually used this. It did happen. I was late yesterday because my cat was alarmed at my sleep-talking and jumped off the bed, knocked my alarm off the dresser, of which the batteries fell out; And I over slept.

I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.

I'm calling in sick - of working for your company...!

I won't be able to make it to work today due to my Aunt flying in from ______________, you see, she has one arm and two pieces of luggage and really needs me to be there for her.

I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.

Last night a friend I haven't seen in a long time came over and gave me a bear hug and broke one of my ribs, so I won't be in today.

I won't be in today. I was up all week-end with this new girl I met and I didn't get any sleep....if you know what I mean!

I lost my car keys skiing and I can't leave until I find them!

I can not come to work today because I do not have any shoes.!!!

An employee phoned in at 9:00 am with the following. "My sister stole my money and I am out looking for her."

I am unable to come to work today. I tried lifting our baby daughter out of her crib and twisted my back.

I can't come in to work today, my sister tripped over the dog, fell off the porch and broke her wrist. I have to take her to the hospital.

I'm sorry I was late, I forgot to look at my watch!!!

My co-worker once called in this excuse to me and asked me to tell our supervisor. " I have ants." It was later explained that she had ants in her basement apartment and had to call an exterminator in.

I won't be into work today because my plane that was going to leave on Sunday didn't leave until today.

On my way to work today, my tooth cracked. I'll be going to the dentist.

I can't make it to work today, because the fan belt broke on the van, the brakes went out, and it has a flat tire.

I can't come into work today, because the hot water tap broke on the bathtub.

The pharmacy is making up some cream for me today - so I won't be in to work.

I left the windows open in my room all night and when I woke up I had a stiff neck. I can't coming in today.

I'll be in later today. I accidentally through away my jewelry, that was in a zip lock bag, away in the dumpster after I got back from vacation. I have to try and find it.

Work....I didn't want to be late for work again today so I called in sick instead!

This excuse has been used by myself several times. I'll be out today or late, I woke up dizzy (I suffer from vertigo).

Please excuse Henry for being late. He was stuck in the bathroom without any toilet paper.

I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside more door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!

I'll be in a little late today. During the night the power must have gone off because when I woke up my alarm clock time was flashing. And of course I over slept.

My assistant called in with this one. "I cant come to work today because my cat is lonely and stressed out and if I don't spend quality time with him, he will keep peeing on the furniture!"

A girl I worked with called in with: "I wont be in today because my dog has a headache, and I need to take it to the vet.."

I won't be in to work today. My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I want to be there when it happens.

I can't come in today....I found a stray cat by my home this week-end and it has really bad diarrhea and I have to take it to the vets.

I'm going to need to take a couple of day off Thursday and Friday, because the city said I have to clean up my back yard before Monday or I'm going to get a big fine!

I can't come in today because I feel sick and I can't breath because of all the smoke in the air.

A girl that I used to work with said she couldn't get come to work because she'd been abducted over the weekend and needed to recover.

Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas...darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back.

I'll be in late this morning. I have a possum in my backyard and it's freaking out my dog. I have to get it out before I can leave.

I'll be in late today because my cat is sick again. (This is the same person from excuse # 123)

I cannot come into work today because I came down with a bad case of something or other.

"I'm sorry I can't hear you, I'm hard of hearing in that ear."

"Who, me??? I just got back from the asylum!"

"[Name of employee who left the company] was originally responsible for that task."

"[Name of new hire] had been assigned the task, but [your manager's manager] is asking for another cost analysis, due to changed venue. I'll get back to you on it."

"I thought that paper shredder WAS the fax machine!"

"How should I know, paper shredders look a lot like fax machines!"

"I'm feeling kinda disgruntled today.... You want I should come in?" (a favorite excuse of postal workers.)

"My car's battery is dead and there isn't anyone in a 50 mile radius who has jumper cables."

"My dog chewed up my shoes and I couldn't very well come to work barefooted, could I!? (use this in the winter)"

"When I left the house and locked the door this morning, the key broke off in the lock. The locksmith is out of town until Tuesday, so I can't leave the house until then.

"My psychic warned me not to leave the house today."

"I was just informed that my car has been recalled by the manufacturer and it is unsafe to drive."

"I just wanted to see if you could get along without me, so you would know how valuable I am to you."

"My cat is suffering from depression and can't be left alone."

"The road in front of my house was closed for repair."

"The dog had puppies in the drivers seat of my car."

"My internal clock's power went off during the night."

"I was dreaming and couldn't wake up."

"I was abducted by aliens on the way to work."

"My house is surrounded by an electromagnetic field that caused my alarm clock to reset itself."

"I really wanted to come to work this morning, but physical circumstances wouldn't allow it."

"I was up until 3:00 am working on a procedure that would simultaneously increase production & efficiency, and also reduce expenses. I'd rather not discuss it until I have all the kinks worked out." (this gives you a little time to come up with some more BS)

"I have to have emergency split end surgery at the salon."

"There's a Gilligan's Island marathon coming on TV, and I have to go home and set my VCR."

"If I don't see my therapist soon, there's no telling what I might do!" (say this with a crazed look on your face)

"I have to go to ________ to fill out some paperwork and their office closes at 2:00 pm."

"I have an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the laws of the Fair Labor Standards Act in respect to my case."

"I couldn't do my homework because my calculator is solar powered, and it was cloudy outside."

"I accidentally divided by zero, and my paper went up in flames."

"I had a strong premonition that I shouldn't go out of the house today."

"If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."

"When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."

"My stigmata's acting up."

"I have a rare case of 48 hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet..."

"I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."

"Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling."

"Constipation has made me a walking time bomb."

"I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information."

"The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."

"The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet."

"My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."

"I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian."

"I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates."

"I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation."

"I prefer to remain an enigma."

"I mis-understood because my contact lens was ripped."

"I couldn't attend the seminar because my friend's cat had kittens."

"I didn't see the Construction Detour sign so I drove my car straight into four feet of hot asphalt!"

"I couldn't find a spot to park (Note: This is often true at my workplace!) (Editor's note: mine too!)"

"Oh, you mean it's Next' Monday I have off!!" (Note: must be said with an incredulous expression)

"I only missed the one day but [fill in another persons name ] missed four days in a row and you didn't say anything to them!"

"It's not my job."

"It's not the right version"

"It's not the right edition."

"It's not our policy."

"It's not in our national security."

"It's not in the company's best interest."

"It's not in the family's best interest."

"It's not the right time."

"It's not the right place."

"It's not hot enough."

"It's not cold enough."

"It's not bold enough."

"It's not flashy enough."

"It's not light enough.

"It's not dark enough."

"It's not big enough."

"It's not small enough."

"It's not high enough."

"It's not low enough."

"It's not what you think."

"It's not the right feel."

"It's not the right thickness."

"It's not the right weight."

"It's not the right look."

"It's not the right direction."

"It's not clean enough."

"He (or she) is not smart enough."

"He (or she) is not fast enough."

"It's not good enough."

"I don't have the right tools."

"I don't have enough money."

"I don't have enough time."

"I don't have enough space."

"I don't have personnel."

"I don't have resources."

"I don't have material."

"I don't have paper."

"I don't have equipment."

"I don't have paper."

"I don't have test results."

"I don't have a pencil."